Grasping for the Wind

How to Drive in ATL

This is one of those mass email forwards. My grandma sent me this one, but I just had to post it because it is so spot on in its humor. Made me laugh on a busy Thursday (and it ain't even half over!).

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA --
Send to all those thinking of moving here....

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Etlanna

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. Anything less is considered "Wussy".

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Atlanta has its own version of traffic rules For example, cars or trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Roswell & Alpharetta, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Atlanta and surrounding counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubberneckers, shredded tires, cell phoners, deer and other road kill, and the buzzards feeding on any of these items.

9. MapQuest does not work here, none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time, just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

13. Above all else, enjoy your driving experience, because if you actually get where you are going on time, everybody else will be late.

Posted by John on June 28, 2007 11:31 AM | Posted to Humor
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